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[ABANDONED] Super Mario RPG or "Who the flying f*ck is Geno?"; Because Mario just had to take over another genre.
Topic Started: Aug 12 2014, 02:33 PM (240 Views)
TheCaviarCavalier
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SUPER MARIO RPG: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN STARS
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Super Mario RPG is Nintendo and Square's attempt to pretty much fusion-ha their mascot genres together.
(I KNOW, RIGHT?)

This game was released in Japan on the day of March 9th, 1996 and not much later the English translation was brought to the United States and various other English speaking countries in May.

From looking at this game on the outside it seems enjoyable, but I dread trying to play this game. And honestly, I have NEVER played this game before. These are going to be GENUINE and absolute FIRST reactions.

Before we begin:

Questions...

q: What am I excited about?
a: Obviously the development of my first SSLP, but aside from that I have many reasons.
Number one being that the game has gotten amazing reviews for its combat system and storyline(that stuff gives me mega boners.)
Number two is that it finally gives me a chance to commit to an entertainment project that will hopefully be a success.
And my third reason is...
THE SOUNDTRACK IS DONE BY YOKO SHIMOMURA!
And for those of you who don't know who that is, here is a short list of her works.
ALL THE KINGDOM HEARTS.
The Mario and Luigi series.
Street Fighter II.
The forthcoming Final Fantasy XV
and so on.


q: Why is it my first SSLP?
a: Because, fuck you.

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I am playing this game only because it was there and I felt like it.

Fuck it, I had been meaning to play this game for a VERY long time, might as well entertain some people.

So here we go!
Edited by TheCaviarCavalier, Aug 12 2014, 02:52 PM.
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TheCaviarCavalier
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Prologue: Why Peach Why + My thoughts on Mario games

So yeah.
This game was made by Nintendo and Square and I really don't want to show the little bits in the beginning stating that information.

The intro scene starts like this.
Peach is in her garden surrounded by what I am assuming are Mothra's children.

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And then...

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SHIT.

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GOES.

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DOWN.
Simple as that.

Bowser flies away with our Damsel in Distress in his airship.

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(Isn't that technically mooning?)

If this entire scene could be summed up in one word, it would be...

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And as any good intro will, this scene inspires questions to be raised...


Who will save our beloved Princess?
Who is man enough to destroy Bowser and his evil schemes?
Is there anyone in the world, Anyone at all who can perform such a task?
Who is the unknown man who will emerge from the shadows and save the world for the first ti-

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Shit, I forgot.
It's a Mario game.

Oh and by the way, I would really like to add this real quick.

Spoiler: click to toggle


tl,dr
Mario scares the fuck out of me.

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So yeah Mario flies away to start his adventure and we get a random series of animated events not really worth mentioning.
Then we are brought to the title screen.

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Will I have the nerve to press Start?
Stay tuned.
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TheCaviarCavalier
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CHAPTER 1: I had the nerve.

Here we go!
You press Start or A or whatever and it brings you to this save screen.

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Doesn't it just capture the essence of Mario?

So yeah, gotta name my character...

*tap* *tap* *tap*
...and done!

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LET OUR BUTTHOLE JOURNEY BEGIN!

And then the cutscene from before plays again. Peach gets kidnapped... blah... blah...

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Is it just me or is this turning into a Bowser episode of MTV cribs?
So Bowser hops on into his castle and then Butthole(Mario) ...MAGICALLY... ends up there.

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Mario opens the door without doing shit and does this cute little run thing to go inside.
No seriously, I would show you the whole thing if I could. It is adorable.

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SLAM.

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That door brings you to this room filled with guards that are just hoppin' around.
And then you poke them and realize that this is NOT a tutorial level.
This ain't Persona 3. This hoists you right into the action.

*RANDOM ENCOUNTER*

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So A attacks, B defends, X uses items and Y is your special moves.
As for special moves, all you can do is "Jump." And as for Items, you got nothing.

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So you punch the guard, it does 12 damage and he dead.
Then you have to go fight a bunch more of them. Sucks, right?
Afterwards you get to the end of the hall where there are two guards at the door. They jump the shit out of you and turns out that two means four.
Fight all four of those guys and eventually you make it through that door.

Then this happens.

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CHRIST.
Literally SHOVES you into a room with lava and shit everywhere until you realize...
"Everything is all quiet and passive, lava rooms don't normally do that."
So they expect you to go, "Eh, whatever." and continue through the room.

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Fire things pop up out of the lava and don't do shit. Just wanted you to know how FUCKING INTIMIDATING that is to a first time player.
You make it to the end of the hall and see a red door(Is it just me, or is it really hard to resist painting it black?)

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*Bridge disappears*

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Umpire: SAFE!
If you are not an idiot you decide to enter the door which leads you to a creepy, white and spiky room.

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Yikes.

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Ominous chandelier is ominous.
So you continue down the COMPLETELY LINEAR path, which enrages me for some reason.
<tangent> In case you didn't notice, we are in a huge ass castle. Not a very small tunnel.
But fuck my opinion. </tangent>

At the end of this hall you see a statue, Butthole(Mario) looks up at it and realizes that something is indeed suspicious.

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"Okay kids, Do you see anything?"
ITS RIGHT FUCKING THERE OH MY GOD.

Ominous chandelier WAS ominous.

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There she is!
In her most compromising position yet, And we aren't even looking at her in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

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Bowser being the dick that he is, hides on the chandelier while holding Princess Peach captive.
He roars a mighty roar as he plans to fill Peach with his love.

Mario jumps up and the battle is about to begin!
But not before Peach says some wise words.

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Wait what?
That isn't a sentence.
*is confused*
*presses A*

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Oh yeah, because I bruise like a grape. Don't worry about me dying or anything.
Bowser tells Mario to prepare himself for the pain that will be brought to him.
....and the battle begins.
*NOT SO RANDOM ENCOUNTER*

I pressed A and already figured it out by accidentally targeting something different than Bowser.

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The Chain, to be exact.

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After I do so, Peach tells me what I already knew. As usual.
A couple rounds of punching a metal chain(ow.) and getting my ass beat by Bowser(Double ow.)
Bowser taunts me by calling me a joke and stating that I "need to put more muscle in it"
And guess what?
It came to me.
It called me to it.
"Jump." It said. "Jump for joy, Mario."
I pressed Y and selected Jump.
Aimed for the Chain and then...

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Bowser complains about the noise that was made after my crushing blow to the chain and does a classic villain cliche.

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And thus, the perfect cliffhanger was born.


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HappyLion
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I've never been a huge fan of SSLP's but this is suprisingly entertaining! Keep up the good work.
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TheCaviarCavalier
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CHAPTER 2: CHAIN REACTION

Ah, Where were we?
OH YEAH WE WERE AT BOWSER GETTING FUCKED UP.
Bowser expresses his defeat in the greatest pun of ALL TIME.

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^HAHAHAHAHAH- I mean, that's not funny at all...

So the Kinklink chain gives out and Bowser falls to the ground, but wait...
Hold the victory rave party...
This is the beginning of the game, so we haven't beaten it. That means that SOMETHING is going to come back and bite us.

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And that something was a hammer...

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Peach tells us to keep on fighting as Bowser throws yet another hammer.

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Oh yeah, and then the chandelier falls.

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Yup.
Game designers wasted the sick falling platform boss battle idea.
YUP!
It ticks me off that this is the beginning of the game and it's first of all, NOT A TUTORIAL.
Second, TOO CLIMACTIC FOR AN INTRO STAGE.
and lastly, just borderline silly.
Seriously, it's the beginning of the game.

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After the fake-out, Bowser spouts utter nonsense about why he hates Buttho- I mean, Mario.

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OH SHIT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?!

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Bowser was gonna do something super cool and Mario jumps on his head like nothing.

GG.

Mario hops up using Bowser's bouncy fat face, grabbing onto the chain and finally saving Princess Peach.

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^Seems familiar.

Peach says she wants to leave and then an odd rumbling occurs.
Peach literally says "Shriek."
YUP!
The rumbling causes Peach to fall. Oh well, I didn't care about that loose hoe.

Then you cut to a cloud.

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And then it a giant sword literally rains from the sky.

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Maybe we can actually play the game now.
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Raxby
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Moved to Abandoned Archive.
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