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[ABANDONED] Shrimp Fried Dragons; or Don't Be JonTron; /// [SSLP] Monster Party - NES
Topic Started: Aug 12 2014, 10:30 AM (670 Views)
PelvicSorceror
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There are certain games in this world that defy logic, explanation, and all the rules of insanity. There are certain games, my friends, that don't make any goddamn sense. So what do we do with those games?

We play them forever. Welcome to hell.

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Welcome to Monster Party. Because, you know, they're basically the same thing.


Monster Party BACKSTORY
Spoiler: click to toggle


Monster Party STORY + GAMEPLAY
Spoiler: click to toggle


WORDS FROM THE SORCEROR
Spoiler: click to toggle


TABLE OF MADNESS

Opening - Bark

Level I - Substance Abuse = Dragon Powers

Level II - I am two THOUSAND percent donion rings
Edited by PelvicSorceror, Aug 19 2014, 03:50 PM.
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PelvicSorceror
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BARK


So here we go. When you boot up the game you are greeted with an interesting title screen.

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While this title screen rolls, numerous bosses appear in the background. Things like a pitcher plant, a giant spider, a serpent with a Medusa head, and...

Wait.

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That's, um...that's tempura shrimp. It's a shrimp. That's been fried. And breaded.

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Wait, and now there are onion rings? Onion rings that appear to be bleeding? What is this game?

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Okay, nope. This can't be a coincidence. Let's just start.

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So the game greets us properly with an intro sequence relaying the basic excuse for a story this game pretends it has. We meet our protagonist, Mark, an ordinary child who I guesstimate to be around the age of 8 or 9, based on dialogue from this scene. You'll see.

Mark looks up from his walk and notices a really bright star in the sky. While he looks at it, the game displays the fact that it must have been written by children about Mark's age, and the physics and grammatical rules in Mark's universe must be as stupid as Bert's universe.

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You see what I'm talking about? Grammar. Learn it.

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So then this happens. His eyes are moist. I guess they never heard of crying, or being blinded by light for that matter.

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Mark is a retard. A blind retard.

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Mark decides to ask the monster its name, in the assumption that the monster can actually talk. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Mark's probably gonna get his face eaten by this fucking thing.

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Oh. Shit. He can talk. And his name is Bert.

Mark then says the most logical thing you could possibly say to a random dragon monster who just fell from the sky and probably made you shit yourself.

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Smart.

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So apparently, Bert just performed unaided, unprotected interstellar travel while wearing only a suit of armor. I guess he's also an alien?

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Mark doesn't look too afraid. He just...stands there. Staring at Bert. Probably trying to decide if he should use his bat on this fucker that just soiled Mark's pants for him.

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...yeah but that period though

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Oh. Never mind. Apparently it never occurred to Mark that everyday weapons can be used for violent purposes.

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I guess Bert is actually pretty damn stupid too. I mean, not only is Mark GRIEVOUSLY unprepared for this quest, but you also just blinded him, caused his pants to turn brown, and you are now asking him to go through space without a suit. Or oxygen. Or brainpower. My God.

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Not only that, but you are now flying several thousand feet up, without any goggles to protect Mark's now extremely vulnerable eyes, and you didn't even know the kid's fucking name.

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So wait...if you're taking him to another planet...why are you guys just flying over the city? The game never shows the other planet in a full planet view, the game never shows Bert taking Mark up there, and the game never even considers that there is a void of space in the way. What the fuck Bandai.

Anyway. Mark decides to ask Bert how they are supposed to act together. While a normal game would also not need the question, a normal game would just involve them fighting together. But no no. This is different. This is Monster Party. So what does Bert say?

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AND THUS WAS THE CREATURE KNOWN AS BERT-MARK BORN.

MEET BARK.

THE FUCK.

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Fuck. Now I actually have to play the game.
Edited by PelvicSorceror, Aug 12 2014, 01:16 PM.
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TheCaviarCavalier
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Thank you Based Bark.
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PelvicSorceror
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LEVEL I - SUBSTANCE ABUSE = DRAGON POWERS

Uuuuugh. Playing this damn game once was enough.

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Goddamn! What was this game even rated? This is like a Wes Craven movie or something.

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So. Here we are. The world of Monster Party. You start out in world that seems sort of happy. Blocks all have smiley faces, the tree winks at you, and all you can see is pink. The first enemy is some kind of Saiyan schoolboy who jumps around and throws beams at you. You fight a couple of them with your baseball bat until this happens.

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...they really must be aliens. Their hearts are green. For this reason I shall call them Artichoke Farts. aren't I great at making puns guys huh

Also I'd just like to mention that your bat can reflect projectiles, and any reflected projectile is a one-hit kill on ANY normal enemy.

ANY OF THEM.

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YOU ARE BAT GOD. THIS IS YOUR SWAMP. ALL THE FANFARES.

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So after that you come across these...legs. Literally, the severed lower halves of several bodies just scattered around the level, gyrating about as though they are still attached to whatever crackhead got thrown into a Jigsaw trap and lost them.

We're going to leave the legbeating to a later time as we enter this door, which takes the form of some smiling cat.

LET US ENTER THE PUSSY'S GAPING HOLE.

=== BOSS FIGHT - AUDREY III ===

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We are greeted and called an infant by a pitcher plant who launches bubbles at us. This is going to become common later on - several bosses will belittle/come on to us in this manner. So what do we do? Well, I have two separate strategies with the pitcher plant.

The first is to hang back and wait for the bubbles to come at me so I can deflect them back. This strategy is pretty effective, but much more tedious. Only do this if you are somehow already low on health.

The second is to go guns-blazing and charge that bitch. Get up close and repeatedly hit A and B until the fucker explodes. His bubbles will actually be mostly unable to hit you, and the ones that come at you will more than likely just bounce back.

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After which, he leaves you a question mark. This can do several things for you, which I already explained so fuck.

FUN FACT


Spoiler: click to toggle


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GODDAMMIT THESE ASSHOLES ARE BACK. It's Megaman logic, I see.

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The next thing that happened was I found this capsule after killing some more Silence. I grabbed it and it gave me a seizure. When that stopped, I was a dragon.

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Capsules allow Mark to become Bert for a short time. Bert has laser breath. This is a good decision.

Naturally after this happens, I go on a massacre killing spree and get more hearts, until Bert starts beeping and flashing yellow.

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I tried to actually capture the images of the transformation sequences, but they are much too fast and bullshit to catch. So what actually happens is the screen flips the fuck out and you turn back to Mark. I take the obvious next step and go through the door right there.

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...okay. That wasn't a waste at all. I didn't go heart-grinding-massacre-dragon for no reason. Fuck dammit. At least the room gave me a question mark that let me go Bert again.

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Well then. Let the shit wrecking continue.

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Bark does some sick parkour (read: flies over everything and kills the enemies with fucking lasers) and gets us to the next door.

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Alright, game face on. That pitcher plant was nothing compared to what the rest of this game can dish out. It's time to activate my chi, focus my energy into my thumbs, and beat the shit out of whatever is through this door, because I know it's not gonna pull the same shit on me twice. Nope. There is a real boss in here. And I am gonna thoroughly fuck it in the most upward direction possible.

=== BOSS FIGHT - COMPLETE BULLSHIT ===

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And the Sorceror did sigh deeply, and cradle his head in his hands, to convey exasperation and disgust, after which he looked back at the screen, grasped the controller once again, and spoke.

THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

I got all prepared for a real ass battle, ready to really fuck up whatever I was gonna see, and fucking this?! IT'S ALREADY DEAD.

I only calmed down upon noticing that in that screenshot, Bert looks like Terra's Esper form from Final Fantasy VI. And I wondered to myself, why the fuck do I care?

So I left and moved on, went about my business, killing shit as usual, until I came to a certain point in the level.

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As I tried to pass this...statue...tree...thing, the game once again threw me for a rapidly flashing and migraine inducing loop. After the epilepsy I didn't know I had passed, the entire stage looked like this.

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Yeah. Same exact stage. Nothing has changed except the look. Those happy face blocks? Now they're bleeding skull cubes. The pink things in the background? Zombie pillars. The tree statue is now ghoulish and terrifying. And spikes from earlier in the level literally become zombie hands reaching up from the ground.

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And I actually love it. Seriously, I think that if they had just fixed it so that it didn't give you the Raiders treatment every time it happened, this would have been a much more enjoyable experience. Yanno, for adults.

And this also makes me wonder how in the sweet gerbil-inserting anal cavity of Richard Gere somebody convinced Nintendo Murrca to release this game. This is the same Nintendo Murrca who would later ban 3 Final Fantasy games from American release and almost completely rework the ones that did get released so that nothing even remotely religious or, you know, ACTUALLY WHAT IT WAS PROGRAMMED TO BE happened in the game. And yet this game is full of blood and exposed skulls. And that image at the beginning? Of the reaper saying welcome to Hell? That's a later boss battle! All of this stuff is in this game, and yet they edited fucking crosses off of churches in Final Fantasy IV.

Anyway. Mark continues on his adventure for a few more seconds, until I see something else worth capturing a picture of.

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JESUS. TAPDANCING. CHRIST. LORD OF IHOPS EVERYWHERE. HELP ME RHONDA.

What in the unholy taintchafing Faygoswilling mother of Miley fucking Cyrus is that godawful donkey-caressing monster of a dogman.

HEY. POKEMON EXECS. Runnin' out of ideas? Because I GOT ONE FOR YA.

Seriously, the dog face fucked me up so hard I couldn't even cringe at the next enemy.

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Fucking eye with tentacles? Nope. Nope nope nope. Just nope. You can't even compare to the last guy. How can any enemy hope to follow that?

So when I was actually doing research for the game, I learned something. If you care, here it is.


Spoiler: click to toggle


=== BOSS FIGHT - JACK SKELLINGTON'S AUTISTIC NEPHEW WILFRED ===

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Now we come to the final boss of this level, an insecure pumpkin-headed ghost who I decided to call Wilfred. This thing will launch little pumpkins at you, while floating and jumping back and forth across the room. It's not too threatening, but it's much more difficult than the pitcher plant. Mainly, my strategy is to follow behind it and continue mashing A and B, much like with the plant, until it's dead.

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And with that, you collect the key. You see it? Down there in the corner? Good. It wasn't there until I killed Wilfred. Really.

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After the question mark turned me into Bert one last time, I quickly absconded to the end of the level, entered into this anal sphincter that I guess is the last door, and escaped into the night.

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And here's a password to prove it. Yeah, this game uses passwords. But I never really had to.

So that's it for level one. What further horseshit cocktails are going to slide down the bar to us in the other seven?
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PelvicSorceror
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Sorry, guys, I know I promised Level Two tonight. Tomorrow, definitely.

EDIT: Okay, it's tomorrow. I'm about to start typing it all back in. What happened was, my computer crashed right before I finished and I had to stop work completely. Now I have to start over. Promise it will be up tonight.
Edited by PelvicSorceror, Aug 19 2014, 01:52 PM.
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PelvicSorceror
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LEVEL II - I AM TWO THOUSAND PERCENT DONION RINGS

From here on, I am going to have progressively less to talk about. The enemies become a bit less random, and the focus will shift more toward the bosses and the tactics used to beat them, as well as whatever bullshit they contain. So let's get started.

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Oh yeah, I was Bert when the last level ended. So I'm still Bert now. Bert appears in some form of sewer, which really confuses me. This planet is advanced enough to have sewers? Are there urban areas? Is there some form of government presiding over the dimension? What is supposed to happen? I don't even.

Anyway, each level seems to have four distinct types of enemies, with certain stage hazards mixed in. It seems as though we are due to encounter one any seco-

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And there it is. Is this another one of those Japanese mythical creatures? Are they doing that shit again? Alright, I was about done being sane. Let's just blow Mister Tapdancing Trout to hell and get on with our lives.

Also, you can just barely see it on the ceiling of the room, but there is a small red blob that will drip on you. These are all over the place, but I discovered that if you deflect a projectile at them, they can be destroyed.

Our next enemy is also visible in this shot. Let's get a closer look.

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Some weird demon mouth who opens up to block your passage. Bert has no trouble with him, but Mark would have if the thing's hitbox wasn't as big as Bert. Just keep breezing past, until...wait. What's that?

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Oi! Look at her over there! Isn't she a beaut? We'll have to get a closer look later, because crikey! Just look at the way she throws her offspring right at us. Most beautiful croc this side of the big blue, fair dinkum. Definitely dangerous too, but just one swing of the bat and she'll be apples. Most of them cark it with just one good ripper of a block.

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do you guys get the joke yet Okay, into the door.

=== BOSS FIGHT - REJECTED DOCTOR WHO ALIEN ===

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I guess it's supposed to be a Gorgon, but usually they have a little more of a humanoid form to them. This particular...creature throws fish at you for some reason. If you're lucky/skilled enough to get in there as Bert, just mash B until it dies. If you're Mark, just get in close and mash A and B until it dies. Easy A.

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And there she is. Crikey. Just look at the way she saunters towards me menacingly. But not to worry, she can only walk so far before turning right back around.

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Well, would you look at that. Mother of the fucking year. Swing that bat and watch it die. Next.

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So if you walk a bit farther, you come across the last enemy, which appears to be some kind of egg. Fasinating. I wonder, will it hatch? It seems harmless enough right now, maybe I can walk past.

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Oh wow, it wasn't an egg at all! It's some flower thing. Well then. I'll just be on my merry way to the finish li-

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And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. When the Sorceror flips his shit about the most random boss in the game. Be pre-fucking-pared, because it's a doozy.

=== BOSS FIGHT - A SELECTION OF APPETIZERS ===

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Yeah. That shrimp from earlier is a boss now. Not only is it complete bullshit of a concept, but it's ALSO complete bullshit in execution. It's always boring once you get used to it, which you will, and it's either stupid hard or stupid easy depending on when you figure out that you are invincible while crouching, or laying down, or whatever the fuck it is Bark does. All it does is charge back and forth across the room and jump occasionally, so Mark can just follow behind it and mash A and B, or Bert can just do his thing and mash B.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

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After you defeat the shrimp, it transforms! Into an onion ring! But nothing else changes. The thing has the same attack patterns, no change at all, just as easy as before, why the hell does it exist.

BUT. WAIT.

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YEAH. IT GOT WORSE.

After that bit, nothing of real interest happens until...

=== BOSS FIGHT - ANOTHER GODDAMN INJOKE ===

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What you do see is the last boss of level two, which appears to be a well surrounded by water balloons. What you don't see is that through the fight, it throws plates at you. And what you also don't see is that Bert fucking destroyed this thing.

But this is another Japanese urban legend. Specifically, the legend of the Banchou Sarayashiki, which I didn't want to actually type out completely, so you can read about it here.


Spoiler: click to toggle


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One other thing I noticed is that after both of these bullshit bosses are defeated, the grass and objects in the background vanish. What is this trying to convey? Was all of this a dream? Did I really live through a fight with shrimp, an onion ring and a shish kebab? Or was I dreaming about the haunted well that throws its mom's dishes at me? What the fuck ever. Got the key. Let's go.

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Why do these doors continue to look like parts of the human anatomy, particularly less than flattering parts?

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Finally done with this shit. Next level up by Friday.
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PelvicSorceror
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Okay, no. Sorry, but no. I really don't want to do this let's play anymore. I don't enjoy this game anymore, and I have no motivation to complete this recording of it. Sorry, but that's how I feel. Can we just delete this? I'd enjoy that. Peace.
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Raxby
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Moved to Abandoned Archive.
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